the reason i want to act (part 4)

as noted in a previous entry about 24, the course that intrigued me the most in high school was us history.  not only is the united states the most powerful nation in the world, shaping much of the history in the past 150 years, its story is in my view one of the most compelling.  much of the conflict and strife in america has come from differences in points of view and its political structure.  it has almost been a great social experiment to see how people interacted, sometimes united and other times not, in running this country.  in no way am i suggesting that the way things have played out in this country have lived up to its ideals, but i believe that this country was the birthplace of the idea that everyone's voice should be heard, and that everyone has a story, in the tenet that "all men are created equal."

i am convinced that the entertainment industry thrives and continue to thrives in america because of the way our culture is engineered.  our freedom of speech and amalgamation of different cultures all over the world provide a constant source of conflict, which in turn create a wide opportunity for storytelling.  forced interaction between different groups of people is no better illustrated than in new york city, where thousands of groups of people congregate in a small 5 mile radius.  it is no coincidence that new york is considered by many to be the cultural center of america, and perhaps i am slightly biased, but i consider it to be the cultural center of the world.

living in a place like america, and more specifically areas such as new york, forces you to look at the viewpoints of many different kinds of people, as opposed to an area where the population is a bit more homogenized.  isolationism is easy when you view people who are different as "other", those people with stories you can't relate to, because you've never heard them.  when you live among the "other", you start to understand more where they are coming from.

of course i personally have my own biases, growing up in a specific korean household living under certain socioeconomic standards, but i do think that to some extent, that whenever i view conflict between different groups of people, i try to list all the different arguments of each side, and try to understand where each party is coming from.  there are definitely stories of people i don't understand, and probably will never fully grasp, but that's one of the reasons i want to be acting and in the field of storytelling.  film and theater have been the medium of our time today where ideas are disseminated, a video going viral can attempt to advertise to the masses about strife in africa, or present the story of a kid being an entrepreneur with a lot cardboard and tape.  

i want to be able to educate myself about other people's stories, by playing and writing about different characters.  right now i have a vague idea about humanity, the idea that there is something similar to all of our stories, and that at the heart of it, any one person will have some sort of inkling what it is like to be any other person in the world.  in acting, i want to find humanity in others, and hopefully in turn help others to do the same.

the reason i want to act (part 3)

"we wasted all our free time alone..." - owl city

i had a conversation recently with a friend of mine about who was the more intriguing character, batman or spiderman.  he did have some good points about batman and how the joker was the perfect foil character, engaging in constant psychological warfare that transcended just pure violence, and how batman struggled with redemption and guilt during his superhero career.  while this is all good and dandy, how many people can really relate to that kind of trauma?  spiderman was designed by stan lee to have problems more similar to what ordinary people face.  it felt more like if a normal person were granted super powers, how would they integrate it into their normal lives?  it was more of a reflection of trying to find the type of hero within ourselves, whereas characters like batman have a more inner struggle.

and don't even start with superman, his character might've worked in the all american ages of the post world war ii/cold war era, but nowadays his story just really sucks.


there's a few scenes in my life that stick out in my mind that highlight what i struggled with most growing up, similar to spidey's struggles of rejection, inadequacy, and loneliness.  i remember a time coming back home from school in 5th grade and sharing the revelation to my mother that i "had no friends".  i don't even remember how exactly i felt during that time (and it probably was an exaggeration of some sort, or caused by some event that happened at school), but looking back, i kind of just feel bad for my mom, she put a lot of effort into making me feel accepted, but at the same time she knew intuitively that being overbearing in terms of my social skills could be counterproductive, and sometimes let me learn things on my own.

i didn't have spider powers to help break out of this flux however (though i definitely pretended that i did, many a times), so during my childhood i had a lot of time to myself in my more formative years, creating an environment where my mind was in constant thought and imagination.  i remember instances that are a bit too embarrassing to share where i would immerse myself in pretend situations that really didn't exist, i suppose it was very calvin and hobbes-esque the way i imagined things for myself.  it was partly a coping mechanism, escaping reality, but i think part of me just enjoyed being in that state of mind.

this was the reason i loved watching movies whenever i could.  my favorite movie, the matrix, was just amazing because it combined the elements where you could totally buy into it, yet still retaining a fantastical nature about it.  i watched the movie probably around 100 times, read philosophical articles on it, looked for to no avail for the slick nokia handphone they used, and obsessed until i remembered not only the entire script, but memorized all of the choreographed fight scenes and replicated the dodging bullets maneuver as i could.

i think a part of me always wanted to be an actor because it affords you the opportunity to be someone else or something significant.  but the first time this desire became really visceral was when i was in college, when i saw the movie, Moulin Rouge!.  i remember just watching ewan mcgregor belting out to nicole kidman, and thinking to myself, "that'd be an awesome part to play."  it was the first time i wanted to be in a movie, but not how people think of being in a movie, like being in a movie for the sake of being in a movie, but like being IN the movie, where the characters and the experiences would be marvelously and wonderfully real, where one could be a hero, super or not.

i feel that if i could have that kind of acting experience, day in and day out, i will have "made it" in my mind, no matter what the circumstance.  there's an "acting high" that we talked about at the studio i trained at, and that's the essence of what i think all serious actors want to capture, to really be in the moment of the scene and the story.

the reason i want to act (part 2)

i realize that these entries may start to become more personal, but i guess i have a lot to get off my chest.  hopefully you won't get bored by the details and will find this to be somewhat insightful, as i work through my own psyche for myself.

a lot of people who meet me for the first time probably put me in the category as a softie, someone who gives up if something isn't going well initially, but i consider myself one of the most persevering people i know.

in acting, they say to be prepared to be rejected a multitude of times.  i feel that throughout my life, there has been rarely a time when i wasn't rejected, and just had to find some sort of strength to continue on.

although it hasn't been exactly clear my entire life, i have been groomed to be a performer, where i was continually put in situations where i have been judged for what i could do.  i remember daunting situations throughout my life where i had no idea what to expect, resulting in some victories and some defeats.  among them:

- a math competition for 5th grade koreans in NYC area (knowing none of them who all probably knew each other) that i managed to win after being put in it randomly last minute by my mom

- become an all state orchestra alternate for an instrument i hated playing

- becoming a first time representative of our high school in a national chemistry olympiad where i think i got crushed (another side reason i love the show breaking bad)

- sing on stage for the first time in high school for a competition

- step on stage with the chorus not being a member and not knowing any of the songs as a prank

- skip school to perform with a band at a friend's high school like a rebel without a cause

- be the new leader of a praise team that had lost 5 of its main members the previous year as a first time member by learning how to play guitar, singing, and leading a bunch of first time band members to a congregation that mostly didn't give two shits (and occasionally, i bled on guitars)

- face parents who i had "failed" after getting into 3 of 9 colleges i had applied to (with all of their frenemies' kids getting into choice schools along with a certain sister who slipped through the cracks into harvard)

- getting together a group in college to perform in the greatest asian rock show ever

- managing to get a job as a management consultant somehow out of college after having no internship or real work experience

- have the gumption and the gamble to risk ten grand at the age of 22 in order to play in my first live poker tournament, which ended up being a 14 hour a day, 8 day gauntlet of glory

- enroll in an acting studio with no previous training or knowledge of acting, performing in front of my peers every week

i'd say that these are some events that shaped who i am, developing some of my talent and tenacity for being put into pressure situations.  i was at first a reluctant performer, being forcefully thrust into the spotlight by my parents or other forces, and experiencing some balance of success and failure.  but i think after a while, after gaining confidence of my abilities and strength, i began to relish times to shine.  i had pride in what unique things i had to offer.

for anyone, i think it's good to have a desire to perform at a high level in whatever career they choose.  i think that as i worked at my job, i started to realize that i had no desire to perform well in the career i was in, and found acting and other performance art to be something that i just wanted to do, something that existed in my gut. the events in my life have given me the experience and the hunger to continue to excel.

the reason i want to act (part 1)

this will be a new series in which i examine why i want to become an actor.  as i'm currently in LA, figuring out whether i will be moving here within the next few months or so, i figured it was a good time to reflect.  the reasons are many and i will try to expound on the most important reasons to me one by one, as a reminder to myself on why i'm doing this and why i should press on when the odds look like they're against me.

it was weird because today, as i was renting a car again to get around town (you really can't get around without one), the dude who was getting my information was like, "so what do you do for a living?" and for the first time without hesitation, i was like, "i'm an actor."  i talked to an up and coming known asian actor as i was here who commented on saying that statement without having anything to back it up feels kind of asinine, but i think shying away from it means that i don't believe in myself.  of course, the feeling of looking silly when saying that comes from viewing so many hoards of people with misguided bravado in this kind of town who overestimate what they're capable of, and don't have a good sense of self awareness.  i think i pride myself in knowing and constantly updating my assessment on my capabilities.

yesterday, i watched jeremy lin play against the utah jazz, scoring 28 points and dishing out 8 assists, with the knicks B team in play.  a great night no doubt, following up his previous night with 25/7/5.  my opinion of him is on the fence, i don't know how far he will actually go, but i do believe that this is the first time that i might have changed on my prior position on the guy.

before his "breakout" games (i put that in quotes because the jury is still out on whether he can consistently provide this kind of output), i was pretty annoyed at all the love jeremy lin was receiving by the asian american community.  it is a superb achievement making the NBA, and not a thing to belittle by any stretch of the imagination.  but the constant lin updates on social media were a bit nauseating, to say the least.  my main point of contention was that people were treating this as if he had "made" it, overemphasizing any little success that he enjoyed.  it was as if they were saying (this is my view, it may not be true for all) although you're warming the bench playing garbage time, this is the extent of what asians can do, you made it.

as i watched highlights of jeremy lin in the past few days, i could not help but think how infectious it was cheering for him despite my cynicism.  he is pushing the frontier of what society thinks of asian americans, and i praise him for his hard work and not giving up mentality, getting it done against stronger and faster guards by just making solid plays and not making stupid mistakes.  i'm no NBA scout, but maybe the reason why we don't see hyperfreak athletic asians in the NBA that can do all those crazy dwyane wade-esque moves is because those asians that have the potential to be those kinds of players never believed in themselves because of the limits society placed on them, and instead honed in on "safe" opportunities, opportunities that society told them they COULD excel in.

in my talk with the other actor, he iterated the same thing about asians in entertainment as well.  he expressed his belief that the reason that there aren't any great asian american actors right now is that maybe the best actor is out being a doctor or something, because he never had the confidence to pursue his dreams.  this is not saying anything against other professions or anything, and each person has their own path, but as an asian american, you can't help but feel that sometimes your choices are limited in terms of what you can achieve, because you don't see anyone like yourself doing the things that you want to do.



it was only in high school when i started to pursue my passion for performing, rawking on geetars and making scenes in public on a regular basis.  usually a quiet kid growing up, i forced myself to change in pursuit of a girl and become many times more expressive.  after that change, i discovered that i had a talent for becoming a character, becoming at times things that i was not, and at other times, having the ability to show people who i was at my core, the rawness underneath.  that i believe is my talent, being as real as possible, cutting away the bullshit.  that is not to say that i am constantly in truthful mode, because of social norms, i'd probably be viewed as insane if i did that (though i'm already viewed as such from some more uptight people).  but it created within me an ability to be a chameleon in a variety of circumstances, being able to take on very many personas depending on who the audience was.

but it took an ass kick out of the corporate world 4 years ago to make me think, "huh, maybe i will try this out."  and maybe it was because i did see some of my contemporaries making strides in the entertainment world that inspired me.  i know that early on in my process, i was inspired by the artist, priscilla ahn, someone who left for LA at the age of 18 instead of being safe, someone with a lot more courage than me.  maybe it was the william hungs of the world and that caricaturized asian on the "2 broke girls" show that convinced me that there needs to be someone who can change how society views asian americans.

before i wanted to become an actor, i DID envision myself as wanting to be one of those people that changed this view of "our kind."  when i grew up, asians were never really in the media as "normal Americans".  we were never represented in the stories of our time, and consequently our culture.  it was part of the reason that i feel like as an asian, we were on the outside and we don't fit into American culture.  it almost felt like since we didn't see ourselves in tv, movies, or anything in mainstream culture, what we felt and what we thought did not matter.  it almost gives reason to the statement that wesley yang makes when he says:

"Here is what I sometimes suspect my face signifies to other Americans: an invisible person, barely distinguishable from a mass of faces that resemble it. A conspicuous person standing apart from the crowd and yet devoid of any individuality. An icon of so much that the culture pretends to honor but that it in fact patronizes and exploits. Not just people “who are good at math” and play the violin, but a mass of stifled, repressed, abused, conformist quasi-robots who simply do not matter, socially or culturally."

when i see other asians in america, he's right, i don't see a human being with human thoughts and human emotions.  i have somewhat bought into this societies view of us, even though i see myself as totally counter to that stereotype.  i want to change this.

i hope to be someday as big an inspiration as jeremy one day.  as he inspires future NBA asian american stars, i hope to be one of many to inspire asians in america to be able to express themselves.

like that

my last entry on my lingo embellished on the term "gak", which clarified much of my speak currently.

but "like that" and its permutations have become a more common and often misunderstood phrase in my arsenal.  here is the entry that will attempt to explain its origins and its pervasiveness.

"like that" otherwise known as LT, first derived from "you like that", aka YLT.  as originally explained in an earlier post, this phrase comes from the movie rounders, where the main character sees his friend with an ace of spades tattoo, and the friend says, "you like that?!"  what the phrase is ultimately saying there is not only, "do you find this to be enjoyable?", but with a combined, "i know right?" as in, i know how awesome this is and this feeling of mutual like of this thing that we are enjoying is also pretty awesome.

so being the bros and gaks that we were in las vegas, in 2009, the phrase YLT was born.  it became shortened to LT, because it still retained its original meaning and was a quicker optimal way to say it.

however, LT became so widely used and changed up, that depending on how LT is said, it can mean a variety of things.  kind of like chinese tones, where different inflections can mean different things, LT can also take on a multitude of meanings.  LT?

normal - like aforementioned, it means to ask if someone likes something and to bask in the liking together.

greeting - usually just a regular "lt" online, not asking if anything is particularly liked, but more like a "do you like that i'm contacting you" type of thing.

high pitched - this is usually done after the person who says LT did something gute that the person hearing the LT will not like very much (either because it is done at the latter's expense or because the former is being annoying about a certain victory or such)  it is also used when the LT signifies something hilarious, as the high pitchedness gives it a certain comic effect.

low pitched and slow - this is the creepy LT, when someone says something kind of awkward on purpose and wants to create an even more awkward moment (probably having some sort of weird sexual undertone to it), only used among close friends as others will surely be weirded out.


other permutations:

there are other phrases that i have used that play on the LT phrase in recent times.

-LT - instead of LT this is a negative LT, aka i don't like that. (replaces IDLT)
LT+ - this is like a comment that likes something with the forcefulness of a like on facebook.

like how - this is a standard filler phrase that can go before any statement to kind of give it more emphasis. (sometimes to convey a sense of complaint)

ex.

"like how, this gak is annoying me so much."

"like how what are you up to tonight?"
"like how, i don't know."

like how like how - otherwise known as LHLH, illustrates when i used LH so often i didn't know what else to say after i said LH, so it just became LHLH.

LAG/WAG - like a gak, what a gak - this is used when someone is being particularly gak-like.

LIG - like it's gute, obv.



questions?  comments?  LT?

when i was younger (part 4: grief)

i have had interactions with a lot of different people in my childhood.  it's weird however, because although our family only moved once (and to a town that was probably 15 minutes away from where i was anyway).  some of these interactions would be a one time thing or episodic in nature, family friend get-togethers in far places where the children would play while the parents chattered.

other times there would be friends for a season, where relationships were borne more out of proximity or necessity rather than...i don't know what the proper word for it is, but something sort of like mutuality.  people you didn't really necessarily relate to, but you were friends with anyway because there was no one else around. it seemed like that had been a very common experience for me up until high school.

i can remember being close with people who i can't connect with now, even with the wonders of facebook.  indeed, i have no idea what has become of my first real crush.  she could be dead for all i know, and honestly, i almost think it's not out of the question that she may be.  i have memories of these people who may as well not exist in my life at all, i remember their names and what they looked like, but have not heard from them in years.  they have vanished, for whatever odd reason.  these are people i would have hung out with every day, and considered them close friends, but yet have faded from my life.

that's not to say facebook and other things of the internet hasn't informed me of the goings on of people i used to associate with and befriend.  it's weird to see people you know getting married, becoming older, changing the world in lots of different ways.  social media has kind of made reunions almost obsolete, technology has made them constantly happen in slow motion, where you know what goes on in other people's lives, but don't necessarily interact with them.  those people aren't dead to me exactly, and there is some modicum of relief that they are still around, ready to update me with their most recent posts.

i think what i long for, and what most people want, is permanence.  i think about my friend from the maryland area, and his group of friends, people who he has known for a while, and who have all stayed in relative close proximity.  the bonds that he shares and the time he invests in his friendships are probably very well spent, as he can count on those people to stay in his life for a long time.  in places like nyc, where things are a bit more transient, these kinds of bonds are harder to come by.

i've been fortunate enough to have not gone through a major death in the family or amongst friends, at least something that wasn't unexpected.  that is not to say that this won't be an eventuality (though i also believe for some perverse reason that my death may come sooner than old age), but to simply observe that if one were to look at my capacity for grief, it wouldn't seem that great at all.  after all, what have i really gone through that has been devastating?  this is something that i actually do wonder if it will be detrimental for my craft of acting, in which experiencing pain can be of great inspiration.

but i have experienced grief.  growing up, as mostly an outsider, it was easy to go all in on someone who you actually interacted with, no matter how incompatible you were with them, after all, who else was there really to choose from?  i believe that compared against most, the number of people who have been important in my life and now nothing is extraordinarily high.

when i was 5, after visiting korea for a few weeks, i had cried apparently for days straight after returning to america, crying until i fell asleep.  in america, i had few relationships, and in those weeks, i felt like i had found my family again, only to lose them right back.  this kind of emotional response was not uncommon, i can remember multiple times in my childhood where i had cried, knowing that i would not see someone again or for a long time.  over years of similar types of experiences, i have become more and more numb.  last year, visiting korea for my grandmothers funeral, maybe a day after leaving that family i so desperately cared about , i reverted back to "life goes on".

what changed in high school was that i thought i had finally found some sense of this permanence that i had been longing for.  but over the past half decade, i have come to grips with losing that from a particular episode.  i guess what i might be trying to get at is that a special person's absence from your life may not make too much of a difference if the absence is created by an external factor or death.  i can definitely feel the sting of this pain dull my experience of life.


at some subconscious level, i suppose i believe that people leaving my life so abruptly either had to do with somewhat bad luck or a personal defect.  it is probably these cynical thoughts that have hindered my ability to be a philanthrope, and made my misanthropic habits progress.

to lose gracefully.

it's been almost three months since i went to vegas.  it was familiar, yet foreign, going back there, to a place i hadn't been for around two years.  you forget, but just missing one series creates a two year gap, and in two years, the landscape of poker completely changed, yet again.  since 2003, really, every year has had a huge change in who's who, what is considered standard play, what the latest drama is going on and the ever increasing level of talent.

5 years ago, i would've said with full confidence that i was in the top 5% of players playing the main event.  this year, i think i might barely crack the top 25%.  while my skills have progressed, the reality of the landscape is that the game has become more and more accessible to more people who would have a natural talent towards it, and theoretical edges against one another become smaller and smaller.

i now acknowledge that going down to the world series may no longer be a hugely profitable endeavor for me (profitable still, but not as much once you factor in flights, hotels, and other expenses from being in vegas), and did not enjoy the trip overall.  i do think that it was a good trip for me to go to overall, to take in the experiences that i did, but i will say that i did not enjoy it this time around for many reasons:

a) many of the players that i was friends with over the years have moved on to different things.  as a result, i felt that i was almost "holding the fort" by going, and was only there with one other friend.

b) simply put, it's harder to win now.  winning is more fun than losing, obviously.

c) i am not a wide eyed 22 year old anymore.  in the poker world, i'm something of a dinosaur, probably around the age where retirement is considered to not be outlandish.  it's true, no one wants to be in the grind forever.


going deep in back to back WPT borgata open tournamnets was a nice outcome, even if i came a bit short (7th it seems, is my destiny), and a good reminder that this old dog still has some new tricks left in him.  however, i don't plan on playing any other tournaments until next years' WSOP, and perhaps not even then.  i will probably only go if i see it being worth my while in terms of fun and enjoyment, than merely just profit.


no one knows how the poker landscape will be in the next couple years, let alone in 5 or 10.  i can't make any overarching assumptions and assume that i can plan for how big of a part it will play in my life so i will acknowledge that transitioning to something different may take a while, until something else becomes a much larger part of my life.

here's to keeping myself busy.