Monday, January 28, 2008

(Im)mature thoughts about love?

going through an emo point in my life, thinking about love:

3/14/2004:

i was talking to brian today and he told me that nietzche is often quoted incorrectly, when he says "God is dead." what he means by this is that nowadays, God is not prevalent in culture and society as He used to be. he also notes that moral thought is not possible without a God, and that he hated most people who did not believe in God but believed in moral thought. the two to him did not coincide. i believe the same is true with love. love is something that's beyond sexual attraction, you can love a mother, a father, a brother, anyone.

to acknowledge that love exists is to acknowledge the existence of God, because otherwise, you're just feeling a natural instinct to preserve your own race. you could argue that when an animal protects its young, that this is "love." but if this is so, love can just be equated to preservation of one's own kind. but we know that love is much deeper than this, its more than the animal nature to lust after the opposite sex, its more than just saving our young to keep the next generation from becoming extinct. love is a many splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love! haha ok gay moment. i realize that this argument is full of thousands of holes philosophically, but i'm stating opinions of my beliefs.

anyway, love is something that is felt, something that is laughed about, something that is cried over. to laugh and to cry, those are two actions we perform when we acknowledge things that should have been as opposed to how they are. animals do not, to my knowledge, perceive things as they should be, they only react to stimulus and accept what reality is. we laugh when things are awkward, ie things are not as they should be and are strange, or when expectations are lower than reality. we cry when things are worse when expectations are higher than reality. to think is to be able to judge between these two different realities.

love to me is something surreal, something i have yet to hope for. listening to too much sappy music and playing final fantasy 8 has made me a pansy. but after a while, i've gotten more and more cautiously optimistic about the idea...i can see why ben folds says that he tries not to write love songs, because they are admittedly, hard to write. any love song or poem you read or write that's not by someone like william shakespeare or someone smarter than the average person, (ie not writers for pop music songs) is terrible. love songs nowadays say that they will do impossible feats, are filled with superlatives, and unbelieveable claims when they don't explain why this love is so important to them.

i see people my age getting married, and i'm in awe, like how can they have found something so great, so awesome, so soon? what have i been doing with my life all this time? wasting it playing video games i suppose...so i'll just lay down where i've gotten in my quest so far.

i've always marvelled and hated beautiful people. maybe because i felt they reaped some undeserved benefit, much like anna nicole smith, only to a smaller scale. it wasn't until my awkward middle school days i took interest in girls, which was very awkward indeed. so when i saw that girl in this summer program 6 years ago, i thought i was in love. she had, to me, the kind of beauty that you just get lost in looking at. it wasn't lust, but you almost feel it a crime to be observing her; she was that perfect. but the closest i got was just being a friend of a friend, i lacked any sort of courage to pursue it any further. beautiful people just have this aura that i hated and loved at the same time...they seemed too unobtainable, yet i didn't want to seem deferential to them since they were ridiculously good looking; i didn't want to act like everyone else. i hated giving recognition to those whose sole claim to popularity was how they were made.

so after that i knew that love did not exist in mere physical attraction. this much is obvious... so i became a hopelessly romantic, bohemian idyllic, oh so charming penniless poet, or something like ewan mcgregor's character in moulin rouge. though i should've taken a more cautious view of it, as nicole kidman's character does. after a few pitfalls here and there throughout high school, we won't go too much into detail about that, i concluded that

a) not many people are interested in love
b) not many people are mature enough to appreciate love
c) people base their actions on hormones, not brains

even i am guilty of this. when i look for "love" what am i really looking for? i should be looking for a relationship that is edifying, builds my character, and helps me spiritually...but i often ignore these things, and am more concerned with more superficial qualities. i'm wrapped up in the worldly glamour and all that bullshiznickle that always screws things up in the end, which is partly the reason i identify with my xanga name...

it irks me when ppl say they love someone else. this is the l-bomb we're talking about, not just any other word. when this friend told me she loved me, as in a passing phrase, i told her not to say that. how can ppl throw around such a strong emotion like candy? to love for me, would be to be willing to devote your time, your energy, your very life to that which you love. for matthew 6:21 tells us that "for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

am i willing to die for someone? i thought at some points that i was in love, that i'd do these great and insurmountable things for them. but i realize now that these are just false thoughts, moments of passionate dramatization. brian also told me after 7th or 8th grade, i forget which, that he made a promise not to date in high school. that's a pretty tall order i think, i passed it because i was a loser, but he's the tuxedo mack. too many moves...what a scam he is, tempting the ladies and leaving them in the dust. he told me that the saying it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, is full of garbage, and sometimes it is worse. and i can see where his reasoning is coming from. and yet i do drastic things, these overdramatic scenes in my life where i think what if i don't do this and i miss something forever, some love that could've been found...i don't want to leave regret behind. "i don't like the idea that i'm not in control of my life."

what use is it to look for love when you don't even know what you're looking for? i feel many people today do that...or feel that love isn't something that can be found at our age. i find myself partially agreeing with albert kim, in thinking, "i believe in love and all that, but not when i'm 20!" what a pimp. hahaha. that's why i want to know what love is before i go out and look for it. but i'm too immature, too idiotic, too impatient, too selfish to love...

"being in love is like being the one, no one can tell you you're in love you just know it."

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"if you don't know truth when you hear it, you will never know truth" -passion

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