why was i here? why have i been put in this position? everything's going amuck...they wanted me to be praise leader? hold up...i just wanted to join the praise team...
it was my senior year and finally i had enough time to commit to the youth group, so i decided to join the praise team. so they made me and clara praise leaders...only a few months later, clara decided to drop out, and i took on the sole responsibility.
usually praise leaders for korean churches know how to play guitar/sing, unfortunately for me, i did not know how to play guitar that well. coupled with the fact that i had to sing as well was a very pressure induced situation indeed. add in a little factor, ooh, say that it was almost everyone's first time on the praise team, dana playing bass, catherine on drums, james on piano, etc, and you get a bit of chaos.
i was nervous. we were pulling a set on the fly, nobody had shown up to practice that week. i told myself things would be ok, but i started having pressure attacks as i knew the ever typical cynical korean teenager would be coolly staring at the projection screen emotionless and would be even more critical of a faulty praise team gone bad.
we started going into the first song, and things seemed to go ok but as we started the second song, something was up. the tempo was too fast which made my strumming a bit off, and i was trying to rectify things by playing faster. sound balance was off and the calculations were going too fast for me to adapt and all i could do was press forward with the worship. i thought if any time for divine intervention was necessary it was now. i got so nervous i lost my pick...and started strumming with my bare fingers. pain shot through my skin but i paid it no attention as i strummed through the rest of the songs like a train...only like a train going into a trainwreck.
at the end of the set, i was utterly ashamed and questioned my limitations, my frustations at the praise team for leaving me alone on a friday afternoon, my purpose on the praise team. as i finished praying, i found my fingers to be bloodied with my finger's ripped skin and blood to be sprayed all over the ovation guitar.
i struggled throughout the year to get things organized, to get people together. it was hard, being the only driving member of the praise team, to get even a decent practice going...and like myself, some of us were just developing the basic skills of our respective instruments. but amongst all the things i was going through during my senior year, i found that if anything was worth doing, it was praise, it was God.
i hope i find that same purpose, something to pursue, as my life seems to be repeating the same theme towards the end of my college career...