My entire life experience has been defined by performance and living up to economic, educational and social standards of this world. My post-Korean War born parents' paranoia made sure that my sister and I would avoid a life of poverty. I had been living my life with a scorecard, keeping track of wins and losses. However, much of reflection of my life consists of me saying to myself "What was I thinking?"
Even my church life consisted of trying to fit a certain standard, making sure I didn't do x, y, and z and followed all the rules. There was something missing from the heart of my actions. I wasn't looking for praise from my peers per se, but more was trying to fit my life into the "plan" I had created for myself.
A fortuitous event changed my life three years ago, and then I tried my best not to let it. I thought that the "right" thing to do was to continue with the "plan" that I had for my life. However, after encountering people in higher positions than me that had achieved this "goal" I was pursuing, I realized this wasn't what I was meant for. Fortunately, God intervened and changed the direction of my life.
Using His blessings, I took a leap of faith to pursue a creative career. It is refreshing, albeit a bit scary, to have a sense of purpose higher than my own, casting aside foolish goals. However, this is not to say that I have it all figured out. I am not completely free from the trappings of this world; I still harp on my past failures and wonder about my worldly future. I'm still selfish, immature and unwilling to take initiative with my faith. But I want to be stronger, faithful, pursuing His will, His truth, His justice.
The song Twenty-Four by Switchfoot was written by Jon Foreman, before his 24th birthday, on reflection on how he had lived his life up to that point. The song resonates with me because it notes that there are many distractions of this world that overwhelm us and are ultimately unfulfilling. Foreman writes, "I am the second man, now" indicating that he has recognized that his own visions of life should be replaced with those of Christ; to make Christ first, and himself second. It's an important lesson I still am in the process of learning that it's not how we fit God into our plan, but how God shape our lives into His plan for us.