in the spirit of valentine's day (or the day after), i've decided to write about the heartbreak that i feel everyday of my waking life.
this is about my long term relationship that i've had for around seven years now. it's been full of ups and downs, and sometimes, i admit, i haven't been the most faithful of partners, but suffice it to say that i've gotten the short end of the stick more often than not. i've given my all in the relationship at some points, and i almost feel like she's been giving me everything sometimes, but year after year, it's another disappointment.
in 2002, i met her for the first time. i'd had heard about her before, in news stories and media, but had not experienced what it was truly like to finally meet her in the flesh. it wasn't love at first sight, but i was intrigued. i started interacting with her everyday, talking about her with all my friends, and before i knew it, i became obsessed.
in 2004, we were going steady. she was treating me well, and my passion for her burned like the fire red turning blue (because in fact blue is a hotter flame than red, in case you didn't know that you stupid one republic people). we had an amazing time in march, going on adventures and experiences you yearn back for later on in life when you grow old at a nursing home. it was then that i started my, "mmm uh...JJ" chant.
alas, it was in april that she crushed my spirit. she stood me up when i planned to propose to her. i was so sure she was the one, and that she was everything i ever wanted in a relationship. but instead, she cheated on me with this douchebag from storrs, connecticut. she couldn't resist his flashy ways and strong presence in the inside (if you know what i mean). she tried to reconcile with me afterwards, but i was distraught, in tears.
but i still loved her, i was faithful and couldn't turn away. in the following two years, there were signs of us rekindling the fire that was once lost, but it was never the same. we never had those epic times ever again. after a big fight in 2006, i left her. i couldn't take it anymore. i had to start anew.
but i watched her from afar afterwards. but it was clear to me that she had been abusive in the relationship. there was no love, no giving on her part, she just gave me pain every year. all my friends hated her, saying she was no good, that i was wasting my time with her. the past three years have been some of the hardest in my life in trying to reconcile why i still loved her as much as i did. i feel like i was being tested, and that SURELY, my reward would come. she would love me again like she did in the past. WOULDN'T SHE?
i hope this is the year we can finally commit to each other. i called her up and saw if we could still try it one more time. this past week, she has given me two gifts that have really meant a lot to me. i think that we can make it work, hopefully in the next couple months. if not, she'll be really good to me next year. i hope.