my sister always tells me that my dad said that she should've been the guy and i should've been the girl. i suppose that might be true, given that she is a bit more forceful and aggressive than i am, probably more of a go-getter, eats more voraciously, calls people her "bitch" more frequently, drinks like she wants to be irish/scottish or something, etc.
i think i've always struggled with the idea of being "masculine enough". when i think of my dad, as goofy as he is, he's always been a super masculine guy. as a traditional korean man i suppose this is only natural, asserting himself as the head of the household, being pretty physically fit for a man of almost 60 (he goes to national kendo tournaments or something). he has a strong sense of responsibility and duty that i suppose come with "being a man", and that's something i've always respected and tried to emulate.
unfortunately, however, growing up under the circumstances that i did were not entirely conducive to being a manly man. i was recently interviewed by a friend from church for her project for school about being an asian american. the interview reminded me about the issues i had growing up, how public conceptions of our limitations and our strengths were ultimately somewhat formative in how i psychologically and mentally developed, no matter how much i'd like to believe that i could create my own personality outside of them.
"asian guys are too pussy, geeky, socially awkward. they have small urinary devices. they don't have originality, they're lame." there's no question that i have always championed the cause for asian males everywhere, when i see an asian guy with a non-asian chick in america, i always give him a telepathic mental high five. i myself hope to someday to make a change in these perceptions.
but this is not to say that i blame being asian for not being the archetypical male, because i know plenty of asian males that i'd consider to be pretty manly. and i don't necessarily want to become an alpha male type guy either. but i can't help but consciously take note of times when my family or other people give me suggestions on being "more of a man". i guess that explains why i get pissed when i see some guy that is being "unmanly", partly because it probably reminds me of myself.
when i think of myself, i'm like, wow i'm 26. does that make me a man? when you hear news reports you hear of like a 23-year old man doing some crime or something, and i'm like, "wtf, 23-year old man? i mean i guess if he's a man, then by numerical analysis, i too am a man." did i become a man yet? i definitely don't think of myself as a MAN, but a guy. a dude. a normal amigo down the street. i guess a "young man" might qualify. if someone were to refer to me as, "that man over there needs customer service", i'd be like OMG WTF BBQ. it kind of gives me a chuckle when i check into hotels and they refer to me as "Sir".
maybe when i'm 30, i'll finally become "a man". i mean if you're not a man by 30, you're like, some bum living in the basement of his parents' house, or something equally newb. the idea of being a man for me seems daunting then, it seems like you need to have:
a) purpose in life
d) the ability to convince others you have a-c
i think what i'm realizing now at the end of this long-winded post, is that i myself am not satisfied yet at my own long term psychological development and want to change into the idea of a man that i've come up with for myself. this idea is not entirely different from other people's perceptions of a man, but there are a few nuances of myself that i'd like to keep rather than becoming what other people want me to be.
anyway, i'm getting really tired now, and this probably didn't make that much sense, so i'll just end here. good...morning.