Tuesday, August 24, 2010

this could be the post-missions depressed side of me speaking but...

why does it seem like everyone around me has got it all figured out?  i've nothing but feelings of inadequacy when it comes to my life as it is.  although that new york times article about 20-somethings reveals that we're taking a bit longer when it comes to making life decisions and steering our so-called lives into something that means a lick, i can't help but feel like i've somewhat past some sort of prime.  i feel like i wasted my time doing stupid stuff, instead of working on the things i care about, and that i'm past the point of no return.

i'd like to believe i made some good choices with my life.  i'd like to believe that i have made the better choices with the information i had available to me.  one thing i've been worrying about is actually choosing a career in an art related field.  in other areas of life, there are tests, there are scores, there are quantifiable things that would indicate whether or not you're suitable for it. 

i asked my sister about her fashion industry, "how do you know if you're better than the people you're competing against?"

she replied, "you know if buyers buy your shit."  ok, i'm paraphrasing, but she said something like that.  basically, you don't know for sure if your actual talent will outshine everyone else's until after you've done it.  to do so, you have to have faith in yourself.  and sometimes you won't ever know, as my sister always likes to point out the example of van gogh, that he died in relative anonymity during his life.  she also likes to point out that famous or rich people who have no idea what they're doing also tend to succeed in the fashion industry by virtue of just being able to throw their stuff out into the market with their moneys.

my friends are doctors, hedge funders, internet startupers, video game makers, musicians, professional gamblers, cooks, entrepreneurs.  people who are confident of what they want to do, and go on and do it.  they seem sure of their life direction, and what they want to be doing in 5 years.  5 year plans, like stalin.  ok, maybe not, but yeah.

when i say that i want to acting, i'm filled with doubt.  as a person who for most of his life grew up in a upper middle class suburban household, i sometimes wonder if i have the emotional and sociological cognition to understand and appreciate different circumstances accurately enough to be talented in this area.  to clarify that jumbled cacophony of a sentence, i feel like my emotional spectrum might not have been developed enough irl in order to be a good actor.

yet there's something in me that can't deny that the sum of my experiences is somewhat unique.  i mean in theory, everyone's life is unique obviously, but i think that i've collected a lot of experiences in my lifetime to be familiar with a multitude of social interactions.  from these experiences, i think i'm able to relate to a wide variety of people.  it's also this belief that makes me think that i do indeed have something different to bring to the table when it comes to acting, and that i will be able to harness this ability in someway.  i'm also a bit insane, which helps.

unfortunately, as someone who grew up being a problem solver rather than a creative mind, i tend to think of things in terms of how to improve/fix/make more efficient/etc. it.  none of these skills are manifested in being an actor.  an actor must rely on instinct and his technique in order to relate to his environment, with most cognitive functions being peripheral accessories.  i have to instead now, "believe" that i have what it takes.

and of course, there's no other way than to try.  and try i shall...

constantly at war inside me are the cynic and the romantic.  the romantic will need to shine in these next few years of my life.  let's hope i don't waste them.


ECho said...

if it helps at all, whenever you come up in conversation, i always mention how proud i am of you for the courage to take such "romantic" leaps of faith and pursue the extra-ordinary. okay, now it sounds like i talk about you all the time.

Anonymous said...

like how, i believe in you tech <3
like how, stop doubting yourself and just do it ftw