Friday, October 15, 2010

i have an addiction.

i hate change.  there are so many things i try to cling onto.  no matter how much i know how inevitable the outcome to be, i will resist change like a delinquent running up down escalators in a shopping mall.  i have this condition of remembering things as "the good old days", but when i actually remember them, they were probably filled with as much strife and anguish as any other.  but there's something idyllic about the past, some moments you wish you could repeat, others you wish you could redo, but moments that can't be truly recaptured despite our best efforts.

i don't take many pictures of my life.  sometimes i wish i was more of a picture person.  there is something fun in reliving moments by just flipping through old pictures.  but other times, i'm glad i don't have too many pictures because i look back at myself constantly and cringe at how i was.  i recently told a friend about reading my past entries from like 8 years ago and how i was just so much more awkward and emo back then.  needless to say, they've mostly been privatized, and i'm embarrassed to know that they were actually once public.  but i don't think the next decade or so will be as transformative as the last one, so maybe i'll have this up in ten years.  we'll see.

therein lies the disconnect between how i remember the past, and the harsh reality of how the past actually was.  physical evidence, whether the recordings are visual or written, give a glimpse of how things really were.  it shows me that even though i think some aspects of the past were great, i'm still addicted to experiencing change and something new.  one of my favorite times was freshman year of college, not because it was particularly fun or crazy, but because it was totally new.  meeting new people, getting used to the whole campus life, it was just a sensory overload of fresh experiences.

it's that feeling of freshness that i think i want to hold onto.  that time when you're totally experiencing something awesome for the first time, and then it doesn't seem so awesome for the 100th time.  kind of like listening to college a cappella groups or eating a shake shack burger (did i really just say that)?  as a kid, i wished i could have a switch to make me forget things just so i could play my favorite RPG games again (re: chrono trigger, which i prob plan to get and play again anyway since it's awesome).  i'm addicted to experiencing new things that give me goosebumps, that shock me to my core, that awaken the curious dreamer within me.

it's kind of like when ichigo is fighting kenpachi in bleach (an anime series) for the first time.  kenpachi explains to ichigo that his only purpose in life is to fight because it makes him feel alive, and that he actually handicaps himself during fights to make it more interesting.  he gets excited when his opponent is strong, because that means he actually will have the fear of death keeping things fresh for him.  in the same way, i try as much as possible to put myself out there, even in times when it may seem masochistic to do so.  i can't bear for life to be boring, so sometimes i just do something random to spice it up a bit.  i suppose i'm impulsively trying to recreate that sense of freshness, but perhaps it's the best when its truly organic.

i guess that's one of the reasons i became so attracted to acting.  it affords the opportunity to experience a wide spectrum of circumstances without actually having to go through them (because that would probably be detrimental to one's psychological well being).  in my pursuit of acting, i hope that i would try to branch out as much as i can and try to take in as much as i can, just by observing and reliving other people's experiences.  in this article about ed norton, he discusses his different views on how he went about his career and explains what he does in order to portray the reality of the different roles he takes on.  this is something i definitely want to replicate.

i don't want to just hold onto ideas of goodness that i've had before.  i want to go out and have an experience today.  my apologies if you get burned in my whirlwind of insanity.

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