that's all i can see when my world view is formed. early in my adolescence, probably in the middle of an earth science class in 8th grade, i formed a philosophy on life that was bleak, depressing and probably somewhat analogous to the Big Freeze theory of the end of the universe. i probably could've wrote part one of the Leviathan as a 12 year old. the idea ingrained in my mind was that things in the world are in constant decay, and that there's nothing essentially we can do to stop it, no matter how long we try to hold on to any sense of permanence. every experience i've had since then i probably took in with a bit of confirmation bias, to validate that philosophy.
although there might be evidence to the contrary, they have not been personal experiences. secondhand truth is not something that has ever been palatable to me, there's something to be said for going out there and making foolish foolery out of oneself and growing from it. now this doesn't mean i'm about to go around and do dumb things i'm going to regret, but at the same time, finding out about life in a book, poem, movie, doesn't cut it.
i was having a conversation with someone about good things in life, and how sometimes it was easier to not believe in them because it's harder to face the reality that maybe they do exist, but they were just not meant for you. it'd be easier to believe in a reality where no one really attained those things in the end, and futility just awaited every endeavor we embark on. having continual hope has become a hopeless goal, hope is a hard thing to maintain.
so now it's ironic, that something that i heard about for someone else happened recently (something kind of trivial and stupid, but awesome nonetheless), that convinced me of the possibility that the future holds. it's curious too, because another event that happened soon after tempered that notion of optimism with a reserved cautiousness. it's almost perfect how the two events worked together in unison to show me how i think i need to view things, and that my usual method of going in guns ablazing, shooting first and asking questions later might not always be the best method. it showed me that sometimes a step back needs to be taken to consider possible consequences, but at the same time, that the leap of faith can still be worth it.