Wednesday, March 9, 2011

regret.

a lot of development and growth seems to fulfill the old adage, "two steps forward, one step back."  sometimes there's just so many angles and ways to look at things you become confused when you have it all laid out on the table.  and so many times, it seems like that one angle brings you back to the place where you thought you'd already gotten past, something that you've already gotten over, something that you've solved.

in the adjustment bureau (which btw, was not a very good movie) one quote stuck out to me.  matt damon's character says, "all i have are the choices i make."  are we defined by our choices?  given our circumstances, the things that are out of our control, i suppose that it is in some senses, a true statement.  we can't control our economic environment, our race, our heritage, our gender, and a plethora of other characteristics, but our choices are ultimately what we can take a step back and say, "hey this is who we are, this is what defines us."  

now, sometimes i get more deterministic and say, wait a minute, no this is what was meant to be, and i chose this because that was the way the chemical composition of my body was going to react towards the given circumstance no matter what, like given the same exact molecular mixture of gak and the same copy of the universe, the situations would play out exactly as they have, and that really, i have nothing to claim in terms of failures or successes, because ultimately, my choices are out of the realm of my actual control as well.

but, my gnawing feeling of regret still claws at my very being, saying that we own these choices.  that i am in fact to blame for the failures that i have accumulated over the years.  that i have my own stupidity to blame for the situations i get into.

whenever i make a decision, i'd like to think i weigh all my past experiences and other knowledge and insight and wisdom i've gathered into them.  so when the decision seems to be the wrong one, i always obsess over why that was, and to seek the answer to why.  but the answer isn't always there, unfortunately, and i just feel like i'm stuck trying to solve a 1000 piece puzzle with some of the critical parts missing.  i feel like without it solved, it'll remain unresolved in my head, or worse, i'll end up repeating the same mistake again sometime down the road, because i won't have recognized the same situation fully before it happens.  i fear that i won't have learned something from my mistakes, that going through them was in vain...that without those missing pieces, i have no reason to not wish for a reset button under a changed circumstance.

but maybe such a search for a meaning or resolution to preclude those experiences from being in vain, are fatally, in vain as well.

1 comment:

Denise said...

Reminds me of that Augusten Borroughs quote, "I myself am made entirely of flaws stitched together by good intentions."