Thursday, March 31, 2011

when i was younger (part 3: embarrassment)

when i first started taking violin lessons, they were at a music school in a neighboring town where i lived.  lessons would be around 45 minutes long, and they would just be one on one.  i can't remember how i even got started playing that instrument, i can't recall uttering a "hey, i would really like to learn this violin thing" when i was 6 years old.  i do remember the first exercises not even being about playing the instrument, but making circles with the bow in your hand to get used to the grip.

a few months into lessons, they had this thing called group lessons, where kids would play pieces and other assorted music together.  i suppose that was kind of like an introduction to playing in something like an orchestra.

i remember my first group lesson, i had no clue what to expect.  i was a total newb, and while it was my first lesson, the other kids seemed to have gone to them before.  my mom dropped me off with a roll of life savers in my pocket and my violin.

the kids had all perfected a piece that they all played together in unison.  i had no idea what was going on, and the teacher either didn't notice that i wasn't playing, or didn't care.  either way, i felt like a complete idiot because there were only like 3 other kids in the group and i was pretty sure i was sticking out like a sore thumb.  i didn't really know what to do.  i had to do something instead of just standing blankly there...so i started just eating the life savers.  just eating them one by one, to try to keep myself busy, as the painfully long lesson dragged on, and until it was all over.  it was a prolonged episode of embarrassment, and it was a situation where i wasn't completely sure if people were aware that i had no idea what the fuck was going on, so i didn't want to like leave where i'd definitely draw attention to myself.  i was mad at my mom for putting me into this situation, i felt like micky ward in the fighter, putting me into a fight i could not win to get my ass kicked.

eventually, i played better than most of the kids there probably because i was determined not to look like such a fool again.  but i hated that that was my motivating factor in playing, to be able to perform, instead of doing it for the love of the music.

i hate fucking being embarrassed.

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